Health Care

Dr. Frankenstein, pictured above, attempting to reanimate a corpse using
post-war Swiss technology; a procedure not covered by American health
insurance, since death is considered a "pre-existing condition".

I hope this finds you well, my friends.

Forgive my lack of posts, gentle readers, as I believe I have stumbled across the Mother of All American Fears. Unbelievably, the fear is rooted in the idea of national health care. I know what you are probably thinking; there are two kinds of countries on this earth, the kind that have national health care and the kind that can't afford national health care. Oh my friends, wouldn't the citizens of Burundi be as happy as clams if they could partake in the same quality of health care as the average European?

Now at this time, the only Western industrialized nation that can afford a national health care plan and does not have one is the United States. It is hard for people of other nations to understand why this is so and I'm afraid, my friends that a simple explanation may be too simple. Here is my best attempt: You see, it is an American ideal (and hope) that the invisible hand of the free market will right all wrongs in a free society. They believe (and hope) that private companies should be able to provide medical insurance to anyone who needs it. The US government mandated that any employers are responsible for the health of their employees and thus, must provide them with suitable health care.

The US solution provided the opportunity for companies to compete for better employees by offering better health care options, provided a guaranteed market for health insurance companies and a steady flow of insured patients to the nation's medical practices. The US government then picked up the tab for its elderly, veterans, or terminally unemployable citizens with programs like Medicade, Medicare, etc.

Like any system, there are cracks in the American system and the cracks are very very large. People who are unemployed or underemployed do not have health insurance. People who have what is called a 'pre-existing condition' are not eligible for health insurance for any reason. Sick children or whose parents have lost their jobs can become permanently uninsured and ineligible for health care for the rest of their lives. Uninsured Americans number in the millions.

Fresh American tragedies occur daily where people die because of lack of health care due to lack of health care insurance. Why oh why, my friends, do they continue to fear the threat of having a national health care program?

Let me count the ways:

1. Death Panels: Americans believe that under a national health care program, old Americans will be put out to pasture to die. Many older Americans are already the beneficiaries of a national health care program, but they still believe this.
   
   
2. Socialism: Twenty years ago, Americans feared communism (and spiders) above all other things. After health care, it seems that socialism is the next biggest hobgoblin to capture America's frightened imagination.
   
   
3. Insurance Companies Will Die!!!: For some reason, Americans are concerned that private insurance companies will not be able to compete with a public option. They have survived in every country with a public option, but Americans believe that their insurance companies will not. Americans really love their insurance companies.
   
   
4. Abortion: Americans are still engaged in a debate over the legality of abortion.
   
   
5. Long Waiting Lines: Americans actually fear that *if* their government might somehow institute a health care program. By morning, they would be forced into long lines to wait for medical procedures... and bread, exactly like what they believe is happening in every other country on earth (note: this does not happen).
   
   
6. The Cost: Many Americans believe that the country can't afford a health care program. There is only one thing you can say to this; LOL!

As of the time of this writing, my friends I believe that the American Congress has long since killed any chance that Americans will have national health care in the lifetimes of anyone reading this blog. Their government simply does not work in a way that allows them to change domestic policy. One has to admire those who committed political suicide in that country to try, only to be compared with Stalin, Hitler, or anyone else in the world who has ever been bad.

Stay healthy my friends,
Sir Robyn

Mexicans

"I know each one of you, like I know my own smell." - El Guapo,
addressing his cadre of banditos in the movie Three Amigos

Hola, amigos y amigas!

It is never easy to write about a funny thing when at its core, it isn't really funny. For those of you that don't know much about American history, large portions of the US were once populated by Mexicans, largely under Spanish rule. California, Nevada, Arizona, Texas and New Mexico all fell under the American flag and were permanently annexed as a result of the Mexican-American war in the late 1840's. A few years later, after a brief secession, some of these states were re-taken by northern forces in the American Civil war. Ironically, Texans will often boast "Don't mess with Texas", when in fact, messing with Texas was a common and not particularly dangerous past-time in the 19th century.

The Mexicans didn't do very well for themselves in the war and eventually surrendered. Their surrender was not unconditional, however, and various treaties allowed numerous groups of indigenous people to stay right where they were after the brutal series of conflicts in the southern American regions. One would think that a country having occupied such a large portion of Mexico might suffer the occasional pang of guilt that generally follows acts of extreme violence. No my friends, you will never be able to find an American who can tell you any more about the Mexican-American War than a likely fictional account of what happened to poor ol' Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

Oh my friends, today the Mexicans are feared in a wholly different way. Not because they will storm the Alamo with superior military forces, but because they often threaten to displace low paid workers there. The math is simple. In Mexico, wages are low to nonexistent and in the US, they are not. Mexicans are therefore inclined toward a higher monthly income and the brave ones head north across the border. Undocumented workers who cross the border "illegally" are often willing to work for less that the legal minimum wage, making it that much harder for a red-blooded American to find a shitty minimum wage job. Scary, scary, scary.

Strangely my friends, on America's northern border, First Nations people (formerly known as "Indians") are free to cross the Canada-US border without harassment or customs checks or anything. They have extra rights for being indigenous. Strangely, the indigenous people further south have no such rights. There are no provisions in the law at all that allows a Mexican to return to their ancestral homeland. It's clear from this, my gentle readers, that Americans do NOT fear Indians.

And so, when Americans talk about "Immigration", they are not talking about how many potato-munching Irish or sports contract-seeking Kenyans are going to pour into the country if "something isn't done". They are talking about Mexicans, the people whose land they stole and put up strip malls and miniature golf courses. Whatever will they do?

Take care my friends and live without fear until my next post.
Sir Robyn

Detainees

"I wasn't a terrorist when I got here, but after 8 years of waterboarding I'm seriously thinking about
doing some shit to you if I ever get out." - A Guantanamo detainee fantasizes about revenge.

Greetings my friends!

When you consider that Americans build some of the best jails in the world to imprison more than 1% of their entire population... you might wonder why they are afraid to add a handful of foreigners to their prison ranks. Why are they afraid? Well let me tell you, my friends, about a group of people that are really afraid of their own creations.

Anyone who has watched American TV (and every American has), knows that when a suspect in a crime is arrested, they have certain rights. They have the right to remain silent, they have the right to representation, they are allowed to make a phone call, etc. Americans also know that if these rights are violated... even if the arrested person is guilty of the crime for which they are accused, that person will go free.

We know that not everyone held in Guantanamo is a terrorist as many of them have been let go. For some reason, after years of torture and abuse, they don't ALL join Al Qaida immediately after being set free. My friends, I cannot say for certain that I would be able to forgive a captor who tortured me.

Back to the fear...

Some of the detainees in Guantanamo Bay ARE genuine religious assholes bent on the destruction of innocent lives. Personally, a part of me would like to see these assholes tortured to death, but in my heart I know they cannot be tortured. This is not a lofty value, however, it is a MONUMENTAL value entrenched in the annals of western civilization. Westerners have long since censured the power of their kings and queens to allow the people's law... the common law, to apply to all, rich or poor, noble or common, terrorist or airline passenger.

Americans know that their government broke many, many laws when they denied their captured SUSPECTED criminals basic human rights. If these detainees are to be treated like any other criminal in America, Americans know all too well that their often silly court system will not be so silly when the detainees tell of how they were tortured and stripped of their most basic human rights. Americans know that they have created a monster and it is this monster that they fear.

To my American friends, I say this. Upholding most ideals can be expensive, difficult and sometimes dangerous. Upholding ideals is also the best way for anyone to lead their lives. Accept the danger, return to your ideals and try these men accused of terror in your courts. It is the right thing to do and it is the law!

Your lawful friend and commentator for life,
Sir Robyn

References:

• Americans fear detainees - http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/29/opinion/29bergen.html?ref=opinion
• Americans from Montana "ain't afraid of nuthin'" - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31003984/

Shoes

"Please remove your suspected weapons of mass destruction and
place them in the basket." - TSA Agent

Oh my brothers and sisters take care,

There is no doubt that the terrorist hijackings of 9/11 were certainly a terrible thing. The organization made to feel most guilty about the success of the attacks was an American governmental organization called the Transportation Security Administration, or the TSA. Like the goalie in a hockey game, if a terrorist was to find himself all monkey-bar trained and ready to hijack a plane without any scrutiny from the NSA, CIA, DoD, FBI, or local police, then they still have to get their operatives past the TSA to carry out their foul deed.

Apparently, this is pretty easy to do. So far, 20 out of 20 foreign terrorists have passed through TSA checkpoints without any trouble at all (save the annoyance we all experience). In the history of the TSA, they have managed to detain a total of ZERO (0) terrorists. The only foreign terrorist ever to be captured in the US was a religious asshole named Richard Colvin Reid, a.k.a. the shoe bomber, who was subdued by fellow passengers while trying to ignite a small quantity of explosives in his shoe.

I've wondered for some time how it might actually be possible for the TSA to determine if someone is a terrorist, when it seems that they are completely unable to determine if someone is NOT a terrorist. So far, terrorists have been undetectable to them and now they have been given the task of harassing everyone else in the name of "safety" when they have repeatedly proved that they are perfectly incapable of protecting anyone from anything.

Oh my friends, if you are ever so unfortunate as to travel through an American airport you will see the fearful Americans dutifully line up and present their shoes for inspection by the TSA. I never thought I'd live to see those red, white and blue waving, liberty-loving Americans, take off half their clothes and submit to a genital fondling by $12-an-hour federal employee... but this happens thousands of times a day, every day in the United States and if you visit the US, this will happen to you too!

So to the TSA, I say this: If a foreign terrorist is so cunning as to be able to outwit the NSA, FBI, CIA, DHS and local law enforcement, they are certainly going to outwit you. To my American brothers and sisters, do not fear. A bomb in a shoe will blow off the foot of the shoe bomber, but it won't destroy an aircraft. Shoes, however fashionable, can not be made into WMD's.

Your friend and assuring voice of reason,
Sir Robyn

Peanuts

A group of peanuts ready their assault on America.

Felicitations friends,

You are probably thinking that I've lost my mind today. Americans don't fear peanuts! That would be ludicrous! I know you are thinking that my friends but it is as true as anything I've ever written. Peanuts (and other nuts) scare the hell out of Americans.

Humans can eat nearly anything that was alive at some time itself. We can even tolerate things that are overtly poisonous in small amounts. given enough opportunities to have small amounts of a poison and out bodies adapt. This is a small part of how our immune systems works. Allergens are no exception. As a child I had an allergy to cow's milk. This is not a rare allergy, but I did not care. I loved milk and I would sneak a drink whenever I could. The side effect for me was immediate projectile vomiting. Delicious fun!

After a while, however, my allergy decreased and I can often be seen drinking milk, lattes, cream or whatever I can get from the teat of a cow. Nom nom nom! Now those crazy doctors and biologists are saying the same thing about nut allergies. They have recently surmised that by purposefully taking small amounts of nuts, the allergenic effects will be reduced (SEE YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE TRYING THIS). Others say that rather than the allergy lessening, it will get worse with old age and increasingly worse as exposure to the allergen is repeated!

Oh no, my brothers! How bad can it get? It can get VERY bad if you trust the hundreds of websites devoted to allergies. It is said that just the SMELL of a peanut can send an allergy victim into anaphylactic shock. This kind of severe reaction would involve swelling of all sorts of things, but most importantly the throat. The victim of this severe variety of anaphylaxis would be unable to breath and ultimately die. What is worst of all my brothers is that there is no known remedy for peanut allergies.

Why is this an irrational fear, you ask? Because no one dies of anaphylactic shock. The CDC reports that there are about 150 deaths in the United States annually due to food allergies. To put that in perspective, it is hundreds of times more dangerous to get into an automobile to get treated for a food allergy than it is to wait and see what happens. Also keep in mind that this is a figure for all food allergies combined including shellfish, strawberries and other popular allergies.

While the CDC has alarming statistics as to the number of food allergies in the United States, the death toll does not come close to matching the hysteria. No my friends, you will not be killed by peanuts, fear them though you will.

Your friend and disperser of fear,
Sir Robyn

P.S. Please allow me to offer my heartfelt condolences to the anyone out there that have actually suffered a loss to this rare circumstance.

References:

• The CDC fears peanuts - http://www.cdc.gov/media/pressrel/2008/r081022.htm
• New reasons to fear airline food - http://www.foodallergy.org/Advocacy/airlines.html
• Peanuts join forces with salmonella - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28749159/

Trespassers

In the United States, trespassers typically have no desire to cause trouble.
They only want to eat your brains.

Oh my brothers and sisters,

I wish I could tell a happy tale about this brand of fear, but the fear of trespassers is one of the worst of American fears. I had no sooner begun to write this entry when I learned that a Texas couple shot and killed a 7 year old boy who was a passenger that had stopped on the road near their home. One can only assume that the belligerent couple's brains had already been eaten by previous trespassers.

For over 200 years the American citizenry have clung to an amendment to their country's constitution which allows them to bear arms. The law specifically reads,

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Now it is clear that without a "well regulated Militia" that the United States would have never thrown off their oppressive British overlords and Americans might be speaking English to this day. With the exception of the most extreme right-wing (and in some cases left-wing) nut jobs, no American would ever DREAM of using their shiny guns to overthrow the government. however. To justify having arms and heaps of ammo, they have turned their justifying minds toward something far more sinister than an oppressive government. They have turned to their fear of imaginary trespassers.

Now it is true that the most likely trespasser a US citizen will experience will be from the government. A mailman, police officer or perhaps someone from social services might arrive at an American's doorway to ask a few pesky questions or drop of mail. It could be imagined that mailmen and police officers get shot in front yards on a daily basis, thanks to this 2nd Amendment, but thankfully, it seems that Americans fear the repercussions of attacking a government official more than they fear trespassing.

What will trespasser's do? In speaking with gun-toting Americans, their imaginations are wilder than anything from fiction. They fear attack and enslavement by would be robbers, who will steal their things, commit unspeakable sexual acts against them, brutalize and possibly slay them, and forget about wiping their feet at the door. Oh my friends, the zombies pictured above are tame and manageable compared to the trespassers that Americans imagine.

Strangely, Americans imaginations don't stop with Mad Max-style trespassers howling with muddy feet in their living rooms. They further imagine themselves better shots than their imaginary trespassers and that they would handily defeat these horrible foes in a firefight. You see my friends, trespassers who are capable of stealing, raping, and possibly brain eating, but don't really have the kind of time it takes to learn to shoot straight. My brothers, they seldom live to rue the day when they cross the threshold of a 2nd Amendment loving American, who are always at the ready with their trusty and true sidearms.

My advice to you, oh my brothers and sisters who wish to visit Americans in their homes... consider phoning ahead. Let them know you are coming and ask them to hold their fire.

Peace be with you my friends,
Sir Robyn

References:

• Texan rednecks fear trespassers - http://www.abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=7557222&page=1
• Denverites fear trespassers - http://preview.denverpost.com/news/ci_10486695
• Keep off people's porches in Illinois - http://www.theindychannel.com/news/17440492/detail.html
• Another Texan murders 2 black men while calling 911 - http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/11/17/national/main3517564.shtml?source=mostpop_story
• ...which is apparently not a crime in Texas - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEOm_O5LNSs

Terrorists

Religious assholes in the process of ruining EVERYONE'S day. Sept 11, 2001.

Here is a tale of woe my friends,

Before I begin you are probably thinking to yourself, "Jesus, Sir Robyn!!! Terrorists ARE scary and MUST be feared! Fearing terrorists is not an irrational fear at all! It's not only Americans fear them! We all fear them!" To this I say, "Take a knee my brothers and bestill your hearts." Let me explain.

On that terrible September 11th morning, I was awoken just in time to see flight 175 hit the second tower above. I saw people jumping to their deaths. I watched the buildings collapse and blow billowing smoke and debris through the city. For days, which became weeks and then months, I watched the news stations add more and more scrolling feeds to repeat the tragedy of this day. Oh my brothers, how I cried. I cried for all humanity.

"How could anyone commit such a terrible crime", I wondered. Who would do such a thing and how many of them were there? What would they target next? Was anyone safe from such diabolical intent? Was this the end of the peaceful life I'd lived up to now?

As the story unfolded, here is what I learned. A well funded group of bandits in Afghanistan, who were formerly assembled and funded by the US government under the Reagan administration, had grown weary and complacent having long since thrown off the shackles of Russian communism. Under the tutelage of Osama bin Laden, they were looking for fresh blood. In the absence of big mean Communists, the US makes an excellent runner-up foe and the wheels of vengeance are set in motion.

Where did fear become irrational fear?

Well the news agencies did their part. It took them over a month to report that Osama bin Laden and al Qaida was behind the attack. Damn our news agencies suck. It took even longer for the US to mount a 'counter attack', which was half-hearted at best, poorly aimed, and of course failed to hit the target. 8 years later Osama still has his own TV show and if I'm not mistaken, was on Leno last week.

The US government told the American people that they were constantly under the threat of terrism. Americans were told that this omnipresent enemy was living among them in sleeper cells preparing for the next strike! They were told that future attacks would make 9/11 look insignificant in proportion. Then there was anthrax in the mail. They were told to buy plastic sheets and duct tape to prepare for a chemical or biological attack. Oh my brothers, if the only thing between you and destruction was a roll of duct tape... you might be fearful too.

Consider this, however;

Despite all the ominous warnings of wily terrorists and imminent attacks, there has been neither a successful strike nor a close call in the United States since 9/11. The reasonable -- but rarely heard -- explanation is that there are no terrorists within the United States, and few have the means or the inclination to strike from abroad. - John Mueller, Council on Foreign Relations

If there are no domestic terrorists in the United States, why do Americans continue to fear them? Surely any sleeper cells living among us would have awakened by now, with Iraq and Afghanistan having been laid low for antagonizing the United States.

I think that in this case, it is safe to say that we can blame the 4 hours of daily television that Americans receive. Will an American news agency say, "This is bullshit! Turn off your TV and get on with your lives!"? No of course they won't. They report, "This is something you should fear! Now watch these commercials and we will give you the details after the break."

Is there any hope for a brave American in light of this kind of brainwashing, my friends? To this I say, "No". But let their fears entertain us, since they serve no other purpose. For Americans who might be reading this post, I'm sure that only a trained therapist can counteract the countless hours of television you've consumed, but take these points to bed with you and ruminate if you will.

1. There are no terrorists living in the United States. There have been no attacks, there have been no arrests. NO ARRESTS! The CIA, FBI, NSA, DHS, INS, IRS, TSA, and every police force and security company in the USA have not found a single terrorist. Some of these agencies have smart people. There are no terrorists.
   
2. The number of terrorists (complete with monkeybar training) living abroad number less than 10,000 by CIA estimates, only a handful of which could dream of affording a plane ticket to an American destination. They are more likely to show up at meetings, shout praises to Allah and bring goat cheese for afterward than actually participate in anything terroristy.
   
3. There are no terrorists in Canada. Fox News and some Democrat bitch have announced that there are sleeper cells in Canada. Canadian mounties caught one group of religous assholes that were up to no good in Toronto. That was it. Canada has mounties... it's hard to be a bad guy with mounties on the job.
   
4. None of the "terrorist nations" have the means to launch a WMD at the united states. North Korea can hit South Korea, though they only need a catapult for that. Iran could maybe hit Israel, if they were lucky, on their best day. No one else with such terrible intent has the means to do much of anything.
   

Sleep sound my American brothers and sisters,
Sir Robyn

Past Fears - Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD's)

An actual weapon of mass destruction is pictured detonating here, differing slightly from the fake WMD's that Americans once feared.

Oh weep with me my friends,

This is a tale of mass deception. You see Americans learned to live their lives with the knowledge that Russian ICBM missiles were trained on their major cities and military facilities every moment of every day and night. Certainly these were a brave people who practiced shielding themselves with wooden desks to survive a nuclear attack.

After the fall of the Iron Curtain (does anyone even remember this?), Americans were more or less without much of an enemy to truly fear. Without genuine fears, it is said that the American people lost their bravery. Noble attempts in American cinema tried to fill the void with great movies like Fight Club, which reminded them to face their fears, their pain. Alas it did too little too late.

Kids, don't try this at home without adult supervision.

As though it were prophecy, "Fight Club" displayed of the fall of the imaginary financial buildings at the hands of a disenfranchised youth. Two years later, real financial buildings were laid low at the hands of a different group of disenfranchised youth... these I refer to as religious assholes. If we've learned anything from history my friends, and I daresay we haven't; the only way to combat religious assholes abroad is with religious assholes at home.

Armed with vials of anthrax, fake intelligence and most of all, a renewed fear of weapons of mass destruction, America was unwittingly thrust into a war with a developing nation. Religious assholes on both sides were overjoyed at the prospect of a continued war, having had no real enemies for decades. When it was all but proved that there were not any WMD's in Iraq, nor were there *ever* any WMD's in Iraq, there were no apologies.

American fear was deliberately inflated, exploited, and popped in a frenzy of disappointment. You might think that they won't be fooled again. To this I say, never underestimate the American people.

Peace be with you my friends,
Sir Robyn

References:

• Every news source in the United States between 9/11 and the start of the Iraq war.
• For what it's worth -
  
  
  

Breasts

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid." - Dave Barry

Oh my brothers and sisters,

Who among us hasn't supped of the sweet nectar of breast milk as infants? Is it not rare for even an American child to grow tall and strong without the goodness of mother's milk? In many cultures the breast is celebrated as a giver of life. I can tell you, oh my friends, that well into my adulthood I appreciate breasts at a level that is hard to narrate. They are beautiful things to be sure; bringers of life giving milk, nurturers of the young and arguably one of the most aesthetically pleasing forms on earth.

Do Americans really fear these gifts of the gods? I can tell you, my brothers, that in all certainty, they do. I first learned of their fear on a Monday morning after many had claimed to watch the "Superbowl", a contest similar to football, though comparatively slow paced and boring, not to mention, chocked full of television commercials.

The Superbowl, is no less tedious than any other American football match, however for this particular event the television commercials are said to be considerably more entertaining than regular day-to-day advertising. Additionally, the Superbowl strives to have a "half time show" where the sport is interrupted by all manner of singing and dancing. Oh my friends, what American does not prefer singing and dancing to a group of men cuddling around a leather ball?

While I had learned of the American fear of breasts from conservative US politicians, I did not anticipate their level of fear until this cool February morning in 2004... when Janet Jackson, an American songstress, accidentally (?) exposed one of her breasts during a song and dance routine. Have witness:



The madness that followed this affair was nothing short of bewildering! Oh the humanity, my brothers and sisters. Every pundit from every corner of the United States took their turns on cable TV to lash out against this sight which could not be unseen. Fathers of young American men decried that the government had done nothing to protect their sons from this... this breast from nowhere! Government agencies, apparently responsible for the outrage, were at a loss for what to do. In America, a crucifixion is no longer considered a fit punishment for the crime of baring a single breast, but the government strove to find better punishments. Fines of the greatest magnitude in US history were levied, court actions waged, and the fear of breasts forever set as a new American condition.

Had Ms. Jackson bared both breasts my friends, I'm certain that the entire country would have plunged into utter chaos.

Keeping you abreast of things,
Sir Robyn

References:

• John Ashcroft fears breasts - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1788845.stm
  
• The FCC fears breasts - http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/23/entertainment/main1340839.shtml
  
• facebook Fears Breasts - http://www.newsweek.com/id/195621?GT1=43002
• The US Supreme Court fears breasts - http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/05/04/us.scotus.jjackson/index.html

Fidel Castro

"Look, it's ME on the front page again. In your face, Obama!" - Fidel Castro, sick of Obamamania

Oh my friends!

Take a look at the old man on the couch with the funny track suit. Americans fear him. I have read the history of his country. I have read of his accomplishments (which may also be called misdeeds) and his claim to infamy in the hearts and minds of the American people. He is really not scary. Perhaps if he had unsupervised access to my TV remote control, I might expect to find him unwittingly purchasing some pay-per-view service or something... but I can think of no reason to fear him beyond that.

Western nations (including Canada) freely trade with Cuba, having forgiven the communist leader of many of his former trespasses. Young Americans scarcely know who Castro is. Interestingly, rather than fear, they almost worship the image of his homicidal friend, Che Guevara (pictured left... intentionally), on posters and t-shirts.

A far more frightening character than Castro (in my humble estimation) Che toured many nations to incite violence in the name of communist idealism and revolution. He was eventually captured in Bolivia in 1967, while engaged in guerrilla warfare and executed.

To those who wear his image on a t-shirt, I say "Ooooh, Planet of the Apes, I love that fuckin' movie."

To the Americans who fear Castro. Haha... it sucks to be you. He'll be dead soon. Let it go.

Your friend and humble narrator,
Sir Robyn

Foul Language

"Frankly my Dear Scarlett, I don't give a fuck!" - Rhett Butler

Oh my friends,

I am here to tell you that nothing is so scary to an American as words they deem unclean. You would think that the stars would cease to hang in the sky and the sun would forever hide its warmth from the Americas if they were to chance hear these deadly unclean words. Shit, piss, cunt, fuck... oh I can barely type the words they fear, lest an unfortunate American passing by might oversee my screen and fall dead to the ground, a victim of my telling of tales.

Despite having a constitutional that decries freedom of speech, Americans have forged for themselves a bypass to disallow speech that might contain the unclean words. They call it the FCC, a wondrous group of fearful fucks who take their queues from a single solitary lobby group, the Parents Television Council (PTC). The PTC reminds Americans how congress skirted the US constitution in 1934 to create the 'Communications Act' in an effort to prevent unclean words from striking the virginal ears of frightened Americans.

Claiming over a million members (to which I call "Bullshit!") the PTC have been the thorny whip-wielding riders of the FCC, citing that protection of the virginal ears of their children superceeds any silly constitutional amendment or basic human right to freedom of speech. The battles rage in the US courts to this very day. To my friends and welcomed readers I say that I hope you did not find this particular posting fearful. To the PTC and their lapdog FCC, I say "Fuck you guys!"

The FCC is not alone in their fight to spare American ears from the indignity of unclean words. A 'self governing' body known as the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) leads the front with their clever methods for censoring movies. Alas my brothers, I shall never have the gift to lampoon the MPAA with the force of wit used by the creators of South Park.

In the South Park universe, my imaginary countrymen, Terrence and Philip, enrage Americans and the MPAA with fart jokes and foul language. An exasperated America, fueled by the fear of these terrible words, declares war on Canada. Can this movie be too far from actual American sentiment? Methinks not.

Enjoy a clip of profanity in action!



'Til the next time I speak,
Sir Robyn

Vaccines

"You can't do this to me... I'm an American!" - a seven year old protests her inoculation.

Welcome back my friends,

Oh, my brothers and sisters, is it not a fearful nation that will shun the very thing that will save them from their other fears? I must conclude that it is. The first documented vaccine was discovered by a British physician named Edward Jenner. This clever lad sorted out that a person to have endured an infection of cowpox, would later be protected from the oft fatal disease smallpox. Since then biologists of all manner and stripe have sorted out many ways to protect us from a wide range of diseases.

The basic premise behind a vaccine is to introduce a mild pathogen to the body, prompting the body's own immune system to prepare an effective antibody (cure). When a vaccine is introduced, the body creates an antibody that is not only effective against the vaccine pathogen, but also against the more terrible disease for which the vaccine is intended, like the cowpox/smallpox example above. What is there to fear from this nifty life-saving idea?

Autism.

There are nearly 5,000 cases in the US Federal courts right this minute where parents or other organizations representing autistic children and adults are seeking to pin the blame for autism on one vaccine or another. Of course there is no connection that can be proven (at least not yet) and the cases seem to fall by the wayside, one by one.

But listen my brothers for the damage is already done. The fearful American public have shunned vaccines for other reasons... oh yes, for many other reasons. Some think it is unethical to mess with nature to save lives. Some think that it is folly that disease could come from a bad diet or sources such as pathogens that we can SEE under a microscope. Americans being a pious folk, might also tell you that God will be upset if His plan for disease is interfered with.

Almighty God and bad diets won't suffer litigation, however, while medical associations and the manufactures of vaccines will. My heart pours out to those unfortunate Americans dealing with autism, but causing others to die is inexcusable. The horrible diseases that vaccines protect us from are horrible and often fatal. Surely death is a worse fate than autism.

This, my friends, is one American fear that I wish I had a vaccine for.

Sincerely,
Sir Robyn

References:

• The CDC tries to allay vaccine fears - http://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/
  
• While this site spreads fear - http://www.know-vaccines.org/autism.html
  
• While another court battle fails - http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/13/health/13vaccine.html?ref=health
  
• While researchers look for the real cause - http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/04/autism.brain.amygdala/index.html
  

Pit Bulls

"It's so hard to get laid with kitten breath... but what the hell?" - Colonel Binky (a pit bull)

Oh my brothers,

A dilemma confronts me for this entry. You see this entry breaks my own rules somewhat in that Americans are not the only nation to fear pit bulls. Secondly, this nasty-ass breed of dog really does have a habit of biting the hand (or face) that feeds it, making it a less than irrational fear.

The latter of the two broken rules rests with the American Center for Disease Control (CDC), who reported that in 2006, more than 31,000 people underwent reconstructive surgery as a result of being bitten by dogs. Oh my brothers and sisters, that is nearly 100 Americans per day that are bitten badly enough to need a surgeon to sew them back together. The statistics kept by the CDC are sketchy at best as to the breed of dog responsible, though large breeds tend to do more damage than small ones, for obvious reasons.

The former of the two rules that I have broken relate to other countries. In 1991, the United Kingdom banned the breed of pit bulls. Surprising to most involved in the ban, however, the number and severity of dog bite statistics did not decline... something found in other places with the similar bans. Fewer pit bulls it seems, despite being responsible for their share of attacks, does not translate into lower bite statistics.

But now for the fear...

It seems that when a pit bull attacks a someone somewhere in America, it triggers similar attacks across the country. A rational person would conclude that this is related to the way in which the news is reported. An American, however, would conclude that it is time once again for pit bulls to be feared. In this case my friends, it is hard to blame the irrational American as their news outlets show the most horrible violence imaginable. They do this in a bid to excite the most emotion possible, lest they may run the largest number of commercials and still keep their viewers.

Yes it is true my friends, that since man domesticated the wolf, 10's or possibly 100's of thousands of years ago, mankind has received more than its due share of bites. As a species, we will continue to be bitten more I'm sure, but that is the cost of domesticating animals... particularly large animals with sharp teeth. Unfortunately for Americans, the only way to reduce (or prevent) dog bites is through common sense. But I, your humble narrator will present these simple rules for keeping dog bites out of your life and out of the newspapers, should you own a large dog.

1. Avoid dogs owned by assholes. People who are assholes train their dogs to be assholes.
   
2. If you are an asshole, keep goldfish instead of dogs.
   
3. Kids and large dog breeds don't mix... ever.
   
4. If you own a pit bull or other large breed, muzzle it in public.
   
5. Do not enter the chained radius of a large chained dog. It's owner is an asshole.
   

That is all!

Keep safe my brothers and sisters,
Sir Robyn

References:

• The CDC fears Pit Bulls - http://www.cdc.gov/HomeandRecreationalSafety/Dog-Bites/biteprevention.html
  
• Christians fear pit bulls??? - http://pit-bulls.christianfunfair.org/attacks.htm
  

Republicans

Expert ventriloquist Dick Cheney (pictured left) smirks at the audience,
while deftly controlling his President dummy.

Salutations oh friends of mine,

While it is true that people of other nations periodically get to share in the normally a uniquely American experience, I would be remiss in leaving the sensation of fearing Republicans off of this site. It takes more than half the the voting electorate to cast enough Republican backed ballots to create a Republican politician. This seems to be possible (and has taken place often) in a country where at least a third of the population genuinely fear them.

You might ask, "How can anyone fear a person with a red tie who wants to lower my taxes?"

It's a fair question and you would have to follow American politics to understand the answer. To an outsider, American politics make less sense than American 'football'. There is a lot of starting and stopping and cuddling that seems to make no sense, so let me explain using simple generalizations. To begin, you should watch an episode of this slice of silver age Americana called "Leave it to Beaver": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqMQDb9aG4A (sorry I can't embed this particular video). Republicans depict this oversimplified way of life as the ideal in 'American Family Values'.

To the non-Republican, it is possible to hold dear to things that would certainly not fit in the household activities of Wally and 'The Beav'. Topics which are dear to some Americans including rock and roll, immigration, pornography, peace with other nations, health care, free speech, abortion, foreign affairs, science, drugs, homosexuality, non-Protestant religions, etc., none of which would not fit well in a "Leave it to Beaver" episode. To those who fear Republicans, it is assumed (often correctly) that all these things are despised and shunned by Republicans.

The fear, is that many Americans believe that Republicans will go so far as to wage war over any one of these topics in an attempt to obliterate them from American life. Republicans, they feel, will stop at nothing to destroy their way of lives and will turn their own fears against them to exploit the voting public to keep themselves in office.

Oh my friends, it is a web of fear they weave, these Americans. Each one adds fear to the fears of the last, like a snowball at the tip of a mountain becomes an avalanche by the time it reaches the bottom. Take heed and learn from their mistakes my friends, lest ye become fearful yourselves.

Your humble and all too public servant,
Sir Robyn

References:

• Every political publication in the United States ever.

Identity Thieves

The Talented Mr. Ripley about to get all of Jude Law's credit cards!

Friends! And you are my friends,

Let me tell you about life in America. If you turn on the TV at any given time of the day or night, you will see a guy in a pirate hat singing about identity theft. The pirate in this case is a person who, for a tidy sum, will charge Americans all kinds of money for services they are probably already receiving.

OK to begin, my friends and readers, let me tell you what identity theft is not. Matt Damon will not come to your house, dress like you and try to assume your life while simultaneously planning to kill you and dispose of your body. If you are a woman with features Matt Damon could not hope to duplicate, perhaps you are worried that a roommate might plan a similar caper, such as that seen in the movie Single White Female. In simple terms, that is Hollywood. In reality, and I don't know who you are, but I do know that no one wants to be like you for even a minute.

The most common form of identity theft is when unauthorized persons obtain and illegally use your credit card(s) to make purchases. Credit cards companies are liable for fraudulent transactions and they do their best to discourage this kind of theft. As a consumer, all one needs do upon discovering a credit card charge that they didn't make is to inform the credit card company and the charge will be removed.

Credit card companies are savvy corporate beasts who don't like to be cheated. They will monitor the use of their cards by the owners and will flag (or refuse) unusual expenditures, such as the type an identity thief might make. In other words, this type of identity theft is VERY unlikely to cause a credit card holder any grief.

Other forms of fraud exist where a person's identity might be borrowed. For example an illegal immigrant might use a fake Social Security Number (SSN) to get a job. While this exceptionally rare form of identity theft is closer to the Mr. Ripley model, it is not intended to harm the actual owner of the SSN.

All the meanwhile, Americans are spending money by the bucketful to further protect themselves from a Mr. Ripley-style bogeymen that they are already well protected from. The Hollywood variety of identity thieves simply do not exist. They say you can't be too protected. I say you can if you have to pay for each ridiculous level of protection.

Be safe my brothers and sisters,
Sir Robyn

Foreign Languages

The famed Rosetta Stone was critical of Americans two millenia before they existed.

Hola mis amigos!

I'll start this entry with an American joke... which is undoubtedly of some 'liberal' origin (entry for Liberals coming soon), that goes like this:
Q: Why were foreign languages invented?
A: So that people can talk about Americans behind their backs.

Well this entry is probably of no surprise to anyone who has encountered an American abroad. Whenever and wherever I travel, I get reassuring preparatory advice from Americans that everyone (absolutely everyone) in every country speaks fluent English. This advice spurs my confidence and consoles me that I won't end up in a French cafe being quite unable to procure a cup of coffee.

Of course we know that this is not true. From French cafes to German hardware stores to Israeli car rental companies, the world is chock FULL of people who understand little more English than "Hello" and "Goodbye". Humans are resourceful creatures and even in the absence of a common language, we still manage to procure, French coffee, German hardware and Israeli rental cars for ourselves when we put out minds to it.

I am loath to criticize the American tourist, however, as they are the bravest among their people. At least they put themselves out in the world to learn first hand that some people simply can't (or secretly refuse) to speak English. No, my friends the fearful Americans are the ones who stay in America and distrust and fear those who bring foreign tongues to American shores.

A fearful American will tell you that foreign languages have no place in this country. Forget that America was first settled by an aboriginal people with a multitude of over 50 distinct languages. Forget that the first Europeans to settle the United States spoke Dutch. Forget that the most commonly spoken language in the United States is English. The fearful American will tell you that in America, people should speak American!

It's difficult for the whole world to learn to speak American. I can attest to this personally. Even as an English-speaking Canadian, I've had a hard time abandoning my native 'eh?' or resisting references to the letter 'zed'. It is so much easier to get by in this country by dawning a fake American accent. For those that wish to attempt to speak American, however, I recommend a Californian accent over any other. You see, though Americans prefer you to speak American, if you mistakenly adopt a hint of their accent... they will think you are mocking them.

It is hard to please the fearful.

Adiós a mis hermanos y hermanas,
Sir Robyn

References:

• A possible cure (not endorsed by Sir Robyn)? - http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/problem_detail.asp?SDID=2070:1925
• Xenoglossophobia in action - http://www.nydailynews.com/latino/2007/03/14/2007-03-14_speaking_in_tongues.html

Gay Marriage

"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps." - Rocky Balboa

Sit round my brothers and sisters,

The more things change, the more they stay the same. As people age, the less hope they have for this life and the more hope that they have for the afterlife. In book after book from this century to centuries past, old people have complained that young people pay too little attention to God (or 'the gods').

Pious Americans of protestant persuasions are so certain in their interpretation of both Old and New Testaments of the Bible that they are unashamed in their condemnation of homosexuality. This hostility and fear of toward homosexuality has extended to the political realm where these loving Christians have gone so far as to interfere in gay relationships.

Those same caring people who would describe frozen human embryos as 'human beings' will from the same mouths call for the denial of basic human desires of their gay brothers and sisters. Oddly enough, their oft desire is to get married... the least fun thing to do on earth.

For my part, if gay people, provided that they are consenting adults want to live together and drastically harm their sex lives... let it be done. Same-sex marriage is allowed in my native Canada, various European nations and a few states in the US. The haters should note, this has not brought about the Apocalypse.

Overly dramatic gays will liken this dual standard in America to that experienced by American blacks who were shipped over from Africa as slaves. To this I say, "ummm... no". Of course when a proponent of gay marriage overdramaticizes a point, their Christian counterparts step up their rebukes. This has never been more evident than in the recent political clash in California over what is called Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage.

Proposition 8 has brought out all the worst in Americans and American politics in which the government has allowed the tyranny of the majority to triumph over this marginalized group. Christian author C.S. Lewis put it best when he said,

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

Be kind to one another my brothers and sisters,
Sir Robyn

References:

• Older Americans fear gay marriage - http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/04/samesex.marriage.poll/index.html
• Mormons fear gay marriage - http://blog.beliefnet.com/mormoninquiry/2009/04/mormonism-and-politics.html
• African-Americans fear gay marriage - http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/05/04/EDR217EBV5.DTL

Nothing To Fear, But Fear Itself

"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and spiders." - Franklin D. Roosevelt addresses a fearful nation.

Oh my brothers and sisters let me tell you,

For the most part, Americans are a simple folk who get up and go to work, eat their dinners, watch TV and go to bed. As I have witnessed, the problem that Americans seem to share is the 'watch TV' part of their day. This terrible habit of theirs has risen to define their national character... a character bordered on all sides by fear!

American televisions are veritable fountains of fear. From the endless supply of crime shows to ominous howling of the 24-hour news stations, there is no end of fear to be delivered and consumed. In the place of entertainment, the networks strive to retain their viewership through fear alone. Fear has taken the place of comedy, drama, education, artistry and all manner of other things that once kept the American public entertained. Nightly, these streams of fear tell Americans of the new horrors they must take with themselves to bed. Without hope of debate, the vile boxes are switched off, Americans slip into bed, mingling their dreams with a fresh new load of ghastly fears to which they were oblivious the night before.

For over a decade I have observed Americans up close. They come into work, fresh from a night full of frightful dreams... and I have learned to enjoy engaging them about the common fears of the day. When I had finally heard enough, oh my brothers and sisters, I started to create this site. As your humble friend and narrator, I will keep this site consistent with rules of my own device... to guide me while gilding this large undertaking. After all, satire (and it is satire) cannot be lawless. The rules, humbly submitted, are as follows:

1. Posts to Things Americans Fear must have been fear-mongered by at least one major American news source and/or a branch of the US government.
   
2. Posts on Things Americans Fear entries must have caused panic in the hearts of at least a third of the US population (my guess as to the percentage must be accepted as fact... for satirical purposes).
   
3. Entries on this site must be things which Americans fear and are demonstrably not feared by people of (most) other nations.
   
4. All the fears on this site must be arguably irrational fears.
   

These are a lot of rules, oh my faithful readers and I expect that you may remind me, should I take license to stray from them. I shall do my best to serve.

And now, without delay; on to the fear!!!
Sir Robyn

PREVIOUS Welcome to Things Americans Fear!!!

TRANSLATIONS | Нечего бояться, кроме самого страха | Nincs mitől félni csak magától a félelemtől | 没什么可怕的，可怕的只是恐惧本身 |

NEXT Gay Marriage

Welcome to Things Americans Fear!!!

Greeting my friends and readers,

Oh let me tell you that it is true that for every generalization made about any creature on earth, some unique individual will arrive to challenge their assigned stereotype. Since generalizations make my arguments easier, however, I'm going to use them liberally, my friends.

Please comment on the entries to follow... agree, disagree, or add your own suggestions for things that I've not yet written about. The subject of things Americans fear is a broad expanse of subjects that defy the imaginations of people from other countries. As a Canadian living among them, I have seen them act on their fears first hand. I find it to be quite hilarious.

I can no longer contain the hilarity within me. Sit back my friend and prepare to hear the the tales of things Americans fear.

Your friend and humble narrator,
Sir Robyn