Monday, May 11, 2009

Trespassers

In the United States, trespassers typically have no desire to cause trouble.
They only want to eat your brains.

Oh my brothers and sisters,

I wish I could tell a happy tale about this brand of fear, but the fear of trespassers is one of the worst of American fears. I had no sooner begun to write this entry when I learned that a Texas couple shot and killed a 7 year old boy who was a passenger that had stopped on the road near their home. One can only assume that the belligerent couple's brains had already been eaten by previous trespassers.

For over 200 years the American citizenry have clung to an amendment to their country's constitution which allows them to bear arms. The law specifically reads,
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Now it is clear that without a "well regulated Militia" that the United States would have never thrown off their oppressive British overlords and Americans might be speaking English to this day. With the exception of the most extreme right-wing (and in some cases left-wing) nut jobs, no American would ever DREAM of using their shiny guns to overthrow the government. however. To justify having arms and heaps of ammo, they have turned their justifying minds toward something far more sinister than an oppressive government. They have turned to their fear of imaginary trespassers.

Now it is true that the most likely trespasser a US citizen will experience will be from the government. A mailman, police officer or perhaps someone from social services might arrive at an American's doorway to ask a few pesky questions or drop of mail. It could be imagined that mailmen and police officers get shot in front yards on a daily basis, thanks to this 2nd Amendment, but thankfully, it seems that Americans fear the repercussions of attacking a government official more than they fear trespassing.

What will trespasser's do? In speaking with gun-toting Americans, their imaginations are wilder than anything from fiction. They fear attack and enslavement by would be robbers, who will steal their things, commit unspeakable sexual acts against them, brutalize and possibly slay them, and forget about wiping their feet at the door. Oh my friends, the zombies pictured above are tame and manageable compared to the trespassers that Americans imagine.

Strangely, Americans imaginations don't stop with Mad Max-style trespassers howling with muddy feet in their living rooms. They further imagine themselves better shots than their imaginary trespassers and that they would handily defeat these horrible foes in a firefight. You see my friends, trespassers who are capable of stealing, raping, and possibly brain eating, but don't really have the kind of time it takes to learn to shoot straight. My brothers, they seldom live to rue the day when they cross the threshold of a 2nd Amendment loving American, who are always at the ready with their trusty and true sidearms.

My advice to you, oh my brothers and sisters who wish to visit Americans in their homes... consider phoning ahead. Let them know you are coming and ask them to hold their fire.

Peace be with you my friends,
Sir Robyn

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