Friday, May 1, 2009

Breasts

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid." - Dave Barry

Oh my brothers and sisters,

Who among us hasn't supped of the sweet nectar of breast milk as infants? Is it not rare for even an American child to grow tall and strong without the goodness of mother's milk? In many cultures the breast is celebrated as a giver of life. I can tell you, oh my friends, that well into my adulthood I appreciate breasts at a level that is hard to narrate. They are beautiful things to be sure; bringers of life giving milk, nurturers of the young and arguably one of the most aesthetically pleasing forms on earth.

Do Americans really fear these gifts of the gods? I can tell you, my brothers, that in all certainty, they do. I first learned of their fear on a Monday morning after many had claimed to watch the "Superbowl", a contest similar to football, though comparatively slow paced and boring, not to mention, chocked full of television commercials.

The Superbowl, is no less tedious than any other American football match, however for this particular event the television commercials are said to be considerably more entertaining than regular day-to-day advertising. Additionally, the Superbowl strives to have a "half time show" where the sport is interrupted by all manner of singing and dancing. Oh my friends, what American does not prefer singing and dancing to a group of men cuddling around a leather ball?

While I had learned of the American fear of breasts from conservative US politicians, I did not anticipate their level of fear until this cool February morning in 2004... when Janet Jackson, an American songstress, accidentally (?) exposed one of her breasts during a song and dance routine. Have witness:



The madness that followed this affair was nothing short of bewildering! Oh the humanity, my brothers and sisters. Every pundit from every corner of the United States took their turns on cable TV to lash out against this sight which could not be unseen. Fathers of young American men decried that the government had done nothing to protect their sons from this... this breast from nowhere! Government agencies, apparently responsible for the outrage, were at a loss for what to do. In America, a crucifixion is no longer considered a fit punishment for the crime of baring a single breast, but the government strove to find better punishments. Fines of the greatest magnitude in US history were levied, court actions waged, and the fear of breasts forever set as a new American condition.

Had Ms. Jackson bared both breasts my friends, I'm certain that the entire country would have plunged into utter chaos.

Keeping you abreast of things,
Sir Robyn

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